


recovery

by fluffy_miracle



Series: #metoo [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s13e13 Devil's Bargain, Eventual Gabriel/Sam Winchester, FIx It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Pre-Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Rape Recovery, Somewhat amnesiac, gabriel is alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-20 22:42:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13727526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_miracle/pseuds/fluffy_miracle
Summary: Gabriel’s road to recovery with a stranger named Sam by his side.





	1. a kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all the support for #metoo. I heard you all loud and clear and have decided to continue with the healing journey and include some hurt/comfort. ❤️

Gabriel didn’t have to sleep. It wasn’t like he had much to do in his cell. But here, sleeping or pretending to sleep kept the humans and their annoying pet angel away. He had only seen the other angel once since he had gotten here. The angel had the nerve to press his grace up against Gabriel’s. Gabriel had snarled, once again the feral creature they feared, and now he didn’t see anyone except his main keeper, Sam, the one who understood. Sam didn’t press him unless it was absolutely necessary. Sam let him have his space. Sam let him hover a few feet away when he didn’t want to be alone but didn’t want to interact. This Sam just got it and Gabriel was painfully grateful for it.

Gabriel didn’t know how to adjust to being somewhat free. It was pretty clear that he wasn’t going anywhere without Sam tagging along. Not like these measly humans could stop him. Gabriel had no warding on him and he had a full reserve of grace. He just had nowhere to go. Also, part of him felt safe in this odd refuge, “the Bunker” as the humans called it. Part of him is afraid to leave, he slowly realized as the days tick by into weeks. 

Gabriel was strong. He was full-strength now. He could fight Asmodouchebag and win now. He didn’t though. He didn’t seek him out. He instead spent most of his days in the kitchen, cooking. He could snap things up, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to use his grace or his powers. Gabriel just wanted to hide away.

“Dude, he’s been here for a month, when are you going to talk to him?” Gabriel was better in some ways. He showered on his own. He dressed on his own. He self-soothed on his own. He felt as if he had been reborn, recreated. He had to learn how to do everything again, although the things he instinctively could do with his grace he suppressed daily.

“Dean, he’ll talk when he’s ready to talk.” Gabriel’s ears caught the whispered conversation, even though it was back where the bedrooms were and he was noiselly baking cupcakes that he couldn’t eat. 

“He can’t talk if his mouth is still sewn shut!” 

“He won’t let me cut the threads, Dean.”

“Sam, just hold him down and do it! He’s not thinking straight. He’s been cooking for a week straight, food he doesn’t and can’t even eat! I’m not complaining, I’m just saying something isn’t right.”

“Dean, he really had some bad stuff happen to him…” Sam’s voice softened and something inside of Gabriel snapped. No fucking way that human was telling another human what he knew. He unfurled his wings for the first time in a long time, vanishing from the kitchen and appearing in the doorway closest to the arguing brothers. Sam saw him first, saw the furrowed brow, and firm shake of the head. He sighed, but closed his mouth. Dean followed his line of sight.

“It’s like Rowena all over again.”

“Except Gabriel’s not a witch.” Sam countered.

“No, he’s just an archangel who would rather be a human when the world could go to hell any second. We’ve got crazy ass Michael on the loose in another dimension. Jack is still missing. Mom is still gone. And you’re just a glorified babysitter to trickster archangel over there!” Dean jabbed a sharp finger towards Gabriel who flinched. “I guess you don’t really care what takes up your time as long as it distracts you from whatever the hell it was Lucifer did to you!” Dean stomped off and Sam let him. Gabriel watched as Sam’s lips drew up into a tight, worried line. The human was upset. 

Gabriel sneaked off as soon as Sam turned away. He didn’t know how to fix what happened and he wasn’t all that sure that was something that could be fixed. He hid himself away in his room, pretending to be sleeping, as he cried over how wonderful it had felt to stretch his wings again.

That day stuck out in Gabriel’s mind for quite some time. It was one of the reasons he brought a sharp pair of scissors to the tall human reading in the library a couple of weeks later. Gabriel was ready to be free of the cruel stitches that still pulled now and then. He could defend himself now if he had to, although, oddly enough, he didn’t think he would have to. For all their blustering and bark, he had a firm sense of safety from these humans; Gabriel almost trusted that they wouldn’t try anything, especially Sam. There was a reason Gabriel wanted Sam to be the one to free his mouth; Sam had taken care of him, stuck up for him, keep his secrets for him. It was a little thing, but Gabriel wanted to do something nice for Sam.

“Hey, Gabriel!” Sam smiled warmly over at him as he came and perched on the chair next to Sam. “You okay?” Gabriel nodded, ignoring the shiver of anxiety that trailed up his spine. He couldn’t back out now. Sam deserved this. “Did you need anything?” Sam was so attentive, making sure he was comfortable, that he had enough ingredients, that he had his space and that he had company. Sam’s kindness was more than overwhelming at times, but only in a good way. Gabriel couldn’t remember a time in his life when someone had been so caring towards little old him. He pulled the scissors out of his pocket and slid them down the table to Sam. Sam’s eyes widened, a silent ‘are you sure?’ Gabriel nodded. Sam’s face softened. “Okay then.” 

Gabriel stood up, hopping up on the table Sam had been studying at. Sam moved the books further to the side before he grasped Gabriel’s chin so lightly that Gabriel had to wonder what it would be like to take him down his throat. Sam was so gentle even now, Gabriel doubted he would choke. 

Sam caught his eyes again, making sure the touch was okay. Gabriel nodded slowly, trying not jostle against Sam’s fingers. There was something almost sacred about the sure, steady movements in which Sam picked up the scissors and carefully cut the stitches keeping Gabriel’s lips firmly shut. Gabriel tried to keep the tears from springing up in his eyes, but he couldn’t help it. It had been so long. It hurt, he was scared, but he was also so relieved as the cruel tension slowly dissipated with each schnick of the scissors. Finally, his mouth was free, Sam being so thorough as to pull each knotted strand out of Gabriel’s skin. Gabriel’s grace saw to the puckered holes forever fading from view while Sam threw away the last reminders. “You okay?” Sam asked again and Gabriel nodded again. This was it.

Gabriel wiped his eyes, too far gone to care about crying. Centuries of torture saw to a little less shame and personal pride. He swallowed hard, rubbing his lips together as he slid off the table and down to his knees. He positioned himself in front of Sam, making sure to open his mouth to welcome his keeper to partake. All he got was stunned silence. “Uh, Gabe…” Sam trailed off. “Wait, is this why you didn’t want me to take the stitches out?” Gabriel nodded, mouth still open. Sam covered his face with a hand and Gabriel closed his eyes, content to wait until the human was ready. Sam was so good, he probably just felt self-conscious. 

Gabriel started when he felt hair brush against his cheek, followed by warm lips. A soft kiss was pressed to the corner of his mouth, brushing over the corner of those recently freed lips. He jerked back, eyes opening in surprise. “The only way a thing like that would ever happen between us is if we were in a relationship, you know, romantically.” Sam set a gentle boundary, firm, and a little awkward. Gabriel closed his mouth with an audible click, resting back on his ankles, looking up at Sam with a mixture of confusion and wonder. “Come on.” Sam guided him up, keeping his touch brief. Sam went back to his books and Gabriel was left standing there, wondering what in hell had just happened between them.


	2. a smile

Gabriel wasn’t baking anymore. He wasn’t restless anymore. In fact, Sam would usually find him staring off at a wall for hours at a time, usually lying on his bed. It was concerning. Sam had to wonder just how broken Gabriel was and if there was any way of bringing him back.

—-

Gabriel didn‘t mean to zone out. He felt Sam’s concern wash over him each time the tall human checked in on him. Sam was so nice as usual, not bothering him. Sam seemed to know Gabriel needed this time to be alone, even if the human left each time weighed down with a little more despair. Honestly, Gabriel wasn’t trying to ignore him, it was just that he had finally started remembering. Most was familiar, but now they were more concrete. It was just flickers at first, a loving father’s face, fluffy golden wings not ready to fly yet. But he found as he tested the bounds of these new memories that focusing in a quiet place, his own form of meditating, brought more memories in more clearly. 

He had gotten through his fall from heaven, his wild escape. His heart didn’t ache at how his brothers had fought anymore. His brothers hated him for what he had turned into. His heart only ached when he saw his father, ached with a sting of bitterness. Gabriel had prayed. He had prayed after all those years of ignoring his father and the exact thing that he had deserved had happened— it hurt that the God of mercy and grace didn’t have any left for him, a wayward son of his own making.

Gabriel jerked from his remembering when Sam came back into his room earlier than his usual time. Usually Sam didn’t come back until the next day.

“Gabriel?” The caution in Sam’s voice was alarming to Gabriel, enough to finally turn his head and look at Sam with baleful eyes. He didn’t like being disturbed. “Sorry.” Sam raised a finger from the tray he was carrying. “I was making these and I think I did them wrong.” He lifted the tray up, gesturing to the mess he was carrying. “Can you help?” Gabriel narrowed his eyes, suddenly unsure of the human before him. This seemed like a trick. “You don’t have to.” Sam said after a long moment. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.” Gabriel tasted Sam’s sadness as if it was his own as the tall human left his room. He wondered how much longer he had to remember until he found out just why this human gave a shit about him.

With a silent groan, Gabriel dragged himself from his comfortable bed. Giving his bed one last look, he trudged after the tall human to see if he could fix this for Sam before he went back to his remembering. 

Sam was bent over the tray, trying to pull the overbaked disasters out of the tray. Gabriel only needed one look to see what not going to work. He snapped his fingers, a rare show of power in almost a lazy motion, clearing the tray. He reached over, pulling the tray from Sam’s fingers easily. With the way Sam looked at him in pleasant surprise, Gabriel could tell he wasn’t holding on to tightly. The ingredients were still out, so Gabriel patiently and silently taught Sam how to make cupcakes. He wasn’t sure how Sam had gone so wrong on the recipe, but it was soon clear that Sam needed his guidance when it came to baking and cooking. Why was Sam making cupcakes anyway? From what Gabriel had seen, this human preferred healthy food, food that Gabriel remembered he would have called boring. He didn’t mind it so much now, maybe after he remembered, he’d start cooking the food Sam liked.

By the time the cupcakes were in the oven, Sam seemed a little frazzled. He had batter on his hands, his jeans, some on a strand of hair. Gabriel did not know how such a precise being could be so lost in a kitchen of all places. He reached up without thinking to tug the batter out of Sam’s hair. Sam froze, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye as Gabriel pulled his hand away, successful in his mission. “Thank you.” Sam murmured before moving away, out of reach. Gabriel stared at the empty space, wondering why that felt so weird. He popped his batter covered fingers in his mouth, sucking the batter off until they were clean. He then moved on to cleaning up the ingredients, putting them carefully away in the cupboard that had been designated as his.

The beeping signaled that the cupcakes were done and Gabriel waved the human out of the way, determined to retrieve them. They let them cool, Sam telling Gabriel about something exciting he found in an old book as they made homemade frosting, Gabriel’s special recipe. Normally that would have bored the archangel, but he found it soothing. And it was interesting. The cupcakes cooled off enough to apply the frosting. Gabriel ate more than he applied and Sam didn’t eat any. It was just nice to see Gabriel eating, hell, engaging with something. Sam was startled when something warm gently pressed against his lips. Gabriel was holding a cupcake to his mouth, smearing frosting across Sam’s lips. Sam took a bite out of the offered cupcake, not daring to look too closely at Gabriel’s face in fear that he had only imagined the spark in Gabriel’s golden-brown eyes.

He finished the cupcake that Gabriel still held to his lips, his lips brushing against Gabriel’s fingers. Gabriel gave him a solemn look, pushing the plate of cupcakes over towards him. Sam had a risky idea, grabbing a cupcake before he could chicken out, and smushed it against Gabriel’s cheek. The look of pure offended archangel was enough to make him choke out an apology between belly-shaking laughs, an apology that came too late for the archangel who decided the best course of action was to return the favor. A few minutes later, they were panting and covered with frosting and cake crumbs. Sam was still laughing and Gabriel had a pleased, yet stunned look on his face as he tried to process this new feeling. He was happy he realized as he wiped his own tears away. He had forgotten about how to feel happy, maybe even before he had been in captivity.

Sam caught his breath and smiled over at him. Gabriel huffed a little, letting this odd feeling out a little more. This tugging at his cheeks would ache soon, but it felt good. They cleaned the kitchen up, more than content and a little buzzed on sugar.

“You talk to him yet?” A weary sigh signaled the return of the older human. Trailing behind him, the odd angel in a trench coat made sure to not make eye or grace contact with Gabriel. Gabriel bared his teeth anyway, feeling particular territorial as Sam’s shoulder slumped. Things had been so carefree until those two returned.

“There’s nothing to say.” Sam replied. “This isn’t his fight, Dean.” There was steel in his voice that made Gabriel nervous, his small smile disappearing from view.

“We need him.” Dean retorted, his face reminding Gabriel of how a storm first breaks. He hoped they wouldn’t fight again. He wasn’t all that sure they made up from the last one.

“No, we don’t.” Well, Gabriel wasn’t sure if he liked where this conversation was going. “We’re not using him like we did last time.”

“We didn’t use him— he volunteered.” Dean scoffed. “Geez, Sam, what has he got on you? I mean, you’re baking!” The way Dean said that implied that baking was the equivalent of practicing black magic. 

“I’m learning.”

“How to not burn shit?”

“Actually, yea.”

“And Rip Van Winkle over there just magically decided to lose the sleeping funk and help you?”

“I asked for help.” Sam sniffed. “I burned the first batch.” He admitted, ducking his head down in embarrassment.

“Great. You can talk to him about cupcakes but not about saving the world.” The annoyance on Dean’s handsome face had Gabriel shrinking back to the doorway, ready to run to his room if the tension became too much.”

“He already helped us do that once.” Sam sighed. 

“Why are you protecting him?!”

“Because I know what it’s like to not have anyone looking out for me when I need it most!” Sam fired back. Hurt flickered across Dean’s face and Sam crossed his arms across his chest.

“Come on, Cas. We’ll crash elsewhere until Sam remembers that he had a family before Gabriel showed up.” They left and Gabriel relaxed, at least, until he looked at Sam. This was not good. Sam was bowed over the plate of ruined cupcakes, trying to calm down. Sam was upset again. Maybe Dean shouldn’t come around Sam again.


	3. a hug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some action

Gabriel couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps he shouldn’t be doing this as he sneaked out of the bunker. It didn’t take him long, just a stretch of his wings and he was outside the motel where Dean and his pretty boy angel were staying. Sam was sleeping, not well, but he was sleeping. Gabriel didn’t have to worry about him checking in, not with the sliver of grace he had pushed in to help Sam’s dreams go a pleasanter route. He needed him to stay put.

“What are you doing here?” Gabriel jumped at the rustling of feathers. Dean’s angel was there, blue eyes glaring. His blade was drawn even though he seemed loathe to use it. “Is Sam all right?” Gabriel nodded, studying the angel, an idea forming in his head. Silently, he used his grace to impress a strong idea into Castiel’s grace, causing the angel to go back inside and take care of his hunter. Gabriel smirked, turning to go when he saw Sam there.

“There you are, Gabriel. I’ve been looking for you.” Sam said, walking towards Gabriel with such purpose that Gabriel felt a flicker of fear. Sam was soft with him, gentle. He wasn’t forward and firm like that dick of a demon had been. Sam reached forward to grab him and Gabriel slipped away quickly. “Gabriel, come on!” There was a trace of annoyance there that Sam never had with Gabriel, not once. Had Sam finally come to his senses about Gabriel or was something else going on? Gabriel squinted, trying to see Sam’s soul, but he saw nothing amidst the darkness. Something was definitely not right. Sam was not dark inside— he was light. 

Gabriel squeaked when Sam grabbed him, flinching at fingernails dug into the soft skin under his upper arm. “How about we stay the night here?” This different Sam, this Sam with darkness inside, chuckled, a sound that cut through Gabriel. He knew when something was about to turn bad for him. He was so confused, lost even. Sam would never do this-- Sam wouldn’t break the trust Gabriel so desperately needed. He tried to pull free weakly but Sam laughed even more, dragging him towards the motel. “No need to go back now-- I have you right where I want you. We wouldn’t want Dean to hear us now would we.” 

Gabriel perked up at that. Actually, he fucking pounced on that like a starving man grabs crumbs. His Sam, the sweet, kind Sam would have known that Dean wasn’t at the bunker. That meant this wasn’t Sam. Gabriel snarled low, glaring up at whoever was impersonating his friend just as Dean hurried out of his motel room, looking as if he had seen a ghost.

“Oh, thank God, Sam.” He ran towards them. “You won’t believe what Castiel just did--” Gabriel snapped him and fake Sam back to the bunker, praying to the hunter’s skill that whatever wards were there would affect this imposter. No one fucked with Sam. And certainly no one fucked with Gabriel pretending to be his Sam. The piercing scream that fake! Sam gave off once they entered the bunker confirmed Gabriel’s suspicions. Gabriel ran. The screams were awful-- he hated screams. He had heard enough of them, enough of his own.

“What the hell?” Sam had his gun drawn, running down the hall when he collided into Gabriel. Gabriel sobbed sharply, falling down on his hands and knees. “Gabriel, are you okay?” Gabriel pointed back from where he came, swiping at his own face as he got back up and kept running down the hall, back to his room, to safety. 

\---

Sam didn’t know what to expect when he headed out of the hallway, but running into a mirror version of himself was not what he expected. 

“Hello, Sam.” His face melted away to reveal Asomodeus’s grinning face. “My have you wasted the gift I practically gift-wrapped for you: a way to ice the devil and blow off a little steam.”

“What did you do to him?”

“I put that waste of grace to use.” The prince of hell sneered. “He was created to be a weapon, so I made him a weapon. He was created to bring pleasure to God, I became his god.” Sam felt sick but he kept himself composed. He had Ruby’s knife in his back pocket, but he wasn’t sure if it was strong enough to use on a demon of Asmodeus’s caliber. “I didn’t come for him though,” Asmodeus revealed. “I came for the archangel blade. Jack will come around soon enough.” The blade— that could kill Asmodeus. Sam silently prayed to the cowering archangel who was holed up in his room, hoping it was enough to help Gabriel find his courage. “What’s this?” Asmodeus perked up. “Good boy, Gabriel, bring it here.” Sam turned around to see Gabriel standing behind him, a lost look on his face and his archangel blade in his hands. 

“Gabriel.” The look on Gabriel’s face when he recognized Asmodeus was heart-wrenching. Sam knew that look, knew how every excruciating twitch felt like when he saw Lucifer for the first time after the cage. He knew how rubbed raw Gabriel’s heart must feel to be face to face with the demon responsible for all his torment and suffering. “I can handle this.” Sam didn’t want to take any choices away from Gabriel, but he didn’t want to force anything on him either. But in the end, Gabriel made his choice when the last prince of hell made his move. Asmodeus laughed, cruel and sharp, before shifting back into Sam.

Gabriel screamed.

It wasn’t a scared scream, no, it was pure wrath and vengeance. Sam kind of stumbled back, getting out of the way as Gabriel’s true voice rang forth. Sam closed his eyes as Gabriel charged. Even though he knew it was Asmodeus, he still didn’t want to see Gabriel kill someone who looked like him. The ground was moving beneath him and Sam fell, curling in on himself to protect himself. At the end of the day, Gabriel was still an archangel, and Sam knew firsthand what an archangel was capable of. 

“Gabriel.” Sam opened his eyes, feeling somewhat raw himself. Gabriel was trying to help him up, even though his hands were shaking and his eyes were wet with tears. Sam glanced over to see Asmodeus’s corpse-- once again looking like Asmodeus, the archangel blade still in his chest. Gabriel saw where Sam was looking and snapped his fingers, snapping the crime scene away. He looked repentant and scared. Sam felt for him, he really did, but he was on edge now. Gabriel was studying him now, probably reading Sam’s jumbled thoughts or glaring at his stained soul. Gabriel’s lip curled up and he reached out with his hand, shoving his hand through Sam’s torso to where his soul resided. Sam’s head lolled back, his mouth open in a silent scream. It didn’t hurt. He knew it should hurt, but it didn’t. Time felt like it had slowed down to a stop even though Gabriel’s hand had only touched his soul for a matter of seconds.

“Dean needs you.” Gabriel muttered before clamping his mouth shut in a stubborn scowl. He stalked off down the hall without another word, wiping at his eyes roughly. Sam’s head was spinning, but he followed after the archangel once he took a minute to orient himself.

“Gabriel.” He saw down on the bed next to Gabriel where the archangel was curled up in a ball, buried under blankets. Gabriel peeked an eye out. “Are you okay?” The pile of blankets shrugged and Sam sighed. “Out of all the things I thought you’d say when you talked again, my brother was not one of them.” Another shrug. “Plus you just did something pretty huge.”

\------

Gabriel didn’t want to talk about that. He had killed the demon because he kept trying to steal Sam. Gabriel needed Sam to be kind, gentle, and good. He had told Sam about Dean because it was the right thing to do, and because when he had touched Sam’s soul, he had remembered Sam. It made no sense why Sam would be so kind, gentle, and good to him. So Gabriel did what apparently Gabriel did best: he pushed him away. However, Sam seemed determined to not let him get off so easily. “Come on.” Gabriel bared his teeth as Sam unwrapped him from his blankets.

He wasn’t okay, but he didn’t know how to tell Sam that. In fact, he was content to never use either of his voices again. Sam was safe. Gabriel was safe. Dean would be safe. “You need anything?” Gabriel was startled out of his thoughts by the thoughtfulness of Sam’s question. Sam knew he wasn’t okay-- he didn’t have to find the words. Gabriel felt himself falling apart before he even reached for Sam. Sam’s arms were open, they were strong, safe, and warm. Gabriel hid his face into Sam’s neck, arms wrapped around the human’s neck as if he was holding on for dear life. “You’re safe, Gabriel. You did so good facing him. You’re so brave.” Gabriel had done the right thing killing the demon, he just was afraid to admit he had done it for the human holding him together as he fell into a thousand different pieces.

It made no sense why Sam wanted him around, but Gabriel had gone and done something in hopes Sam would want him around even longer. He had laid a claim on Sam Winchester’s soul.


	4. a mistake

Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket, taking extra care to not jostle the sleeping archangel draped over his chest. Gabriel was snoring softly, his legs drawn up underneath him so he could better press against Sam. Sam didn’t know how he was sleeping like that, couldn’t believe Gabriel was letting him touch him, especially since he had been so avoidant of touch since he arrived. Gabriel trusted Sam. Sam valued the trust. And so Gabriel slept nestled against the hunter as Sam finally did what Gabriel had said to do. He called his big brother.

“Sam.” Dean sounded pissed and Sam suppressed his sigh. He didn’t call to fight. He called to make things right. He called because he had been feeling bad. He called because Gabriel told him too. “Took you long enough.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam bit the bullet so to speak.

“For shutting me out or for leaving when I was screaming at you for help?”

“When were you screaming at me for help?”

“Outside the motel— Gabriel grabbed you and snapped you away!” Sam squinted up at the ceiling, trying to recall. All he remembered was that awful screaming that woke him up. He had just figured that Gabriel had snapped Asmodeus here and then Sam had woken up. He hadn’t even fully realized that Gabriel had left the bunker or how the thought of Gabriel out there alone made him feel.

“That wasn’t me, Dean.” Sam said slowly as he started to piece things together. “Asmodeus was pretending to be me to get at Gabriel.” There was a pregnant pause. Sam knew it had to be said even after all this time. “I would never leave you if you were in trouble.”

“I know.” Dean finally said, soft but gruff. “Is that demon still parading around as you?” He paused. “It would have been good to know that a little earlier.” Sam glanced over at the clock, the bright red numbers reading 5:13am. It was hard to believe that everything had gone down only two hours ago.

“Asmodeus’s dead.” Sam said after a moment of hesitating. He didn’t want to reveal that Gabriel had killed the demon in case Dean went back to what started their fight in the first place. 

“How?”

“Archangel blade to the chest.” Sam revealed. Gabriel stirred, golden eyes cracking open. Sam gave him a tired smile. “You’re safe.” He mouthed when he noticed how Gabriel was scanning the room. Gabriel grunted in response, relaxing at Sam’s words. He collected himself off of Sam’s chest, turning over to snuggle into the other side of the bed. Sam noticed though that Gabriel still kept himself flush against Sam, still burrowed in Sam’s warmth. 

“Gabriel?”

“Turns out he’s protective of me.”

“You’re still against him fighting Lucifer, aren’t you?” Dean sighed. Sam closed his eyes.

“Yes.” He allowed. “Things were personal between him and Asmodeus… the things that demon did and ordered…” Sam trailed off. He wouldn’t betray Gabriel’s confidence. “If Gabe decides to do it on his own, I support it, but otherwise, no, he’s not going anywhere near that guy.”

“Sam, what happened in the cage?”

“You know what happened.”

“How many times have we faced the devil since the cage? Why is it so hard all of a sudden?” Sam shivered as the familiar cold tendril of fear flared up inside of him.

“Because I can’t do it anymore, Dean. He did everything to me.” Sam knew what Dean was specifically looking for, especially since the talk with Rowena. “He forced me, Dean.” Sam choked. Gabriel was awake in an instant. He was on his hands and knees, facing Sam, golden eyes searching Sam’s eyes as the hunter forced his eyes back open. “Gabe.” Sam whispered. Gabriel knew. Gabriel understood. Panic was welling up inside of Sam, his breathing harsh. 

“Sammy--” Dean’s voice sounded far away. The phone fell from his shaking fingers and clattered on the floor. He was faintly aware of Gabriel’s fingers clutching his chin. Gabriel pulled Sam towards himself, grabbing at his shoulders, wrapping his thin arms around Sam’s shaking form. He didn’t flinch as Gabriel’s grace pillowed all around him, holding him, calming him until the panic attack passed.

Sam slowly recovered, curled in on his side. It took several minutes before he realized he was pressed into Gabriel’s body. It was intimate, too intimate, too intimate for his current frame of mind. He pulled away as Gabriel tried to pull his hand free of Sam’s hair. Dean was calling-- Sam stumbled down to the floor and put the phone to his ear. “I’m coming over.” Dean’s voice was stern, but Sam heard the underlying fear. He nodded, whispering a quiet thanks into the receiver.

“Dean’s coming.” He rasped up to Gabriel before he lay down on his side. He traced the floor with his hand, forcing air in and then out of his lungs. Gabriel rolled over, pulling a blanket over and letting it cover Sam. Sam glanced up, lashes fluttering up as he peered up at Gabriel who looked like he had a halo with the way the light reflected off his tight curls. His hair was starting to grow out, the curls growing looser, evening out with the longer strands in the front. Sam was grateful. “Thanks.” He managed before curling back up on himself, closing his eyes, as he continued to try to ground himself. Gabriel got it. Gabriel knew he couldn’t handle being touched.

“Sammy!” Both of them jumped when Dean’s shout echoed through the bunker. Gabriel had kept watch over him, wrapped in what was left of the blankets in Sam’s bed. Sam was breathing regularly, but his limbs felt so heavy that he didn’t want to move. Was this why Gabriel had been lying in bed all those days? Was this how he had felt? “Sammy!” Sam didn’t mean to cry out when Dean rushed in and held him in his arms. “Are you okay, Sam?! What happened?!” Dean’s voice was gruff, demanding answers Sam didn’t know how to give.

“He had a panic attack. All this talking about Lucifer...” Gabriel’s voice was quiet. “I’m sorry about Castiel-- I’ll fix it.” Dean gave him an annoyed look, but he lowered his voice as he cradled his baby brother close, whispering about how it was going to be okay. Gabriel gathered himself up, slipping out of Sam’s bed. He unfurled his once magnificent wings and vanished, flying off to find his brother. Castiel was back at the motel that Dean had fled.

“Are you done?” Castiel was not happy to see him. He turned as soon as he heard the rustling of Gabriel’s wings, anger sparking in his blue eyes. “Are you happy?” His voice was harsh, but not harsh enough to cover up the pain underneath. “What were you even thinking? I was trying to help you, to help Sam convince Dean to not send you after Lucifer.”

“What?” Gabriel let his surprise show.

“That’s what they were fighting about.” Castiel sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Sam was protecting you. I tried to talk to you and you kept pushing me away. You only wanted Sam.” Gabriel didn’t know how to explain. He had wanted to make Sam happy. Dean had been making Sam unhappy.

“I’m sorry.” Gabriel lifted up one shoulder awkwardly. He didn’t know what else to say. He knew what he should say, but he didn’t want to talk. He didn’t see the point. Why would Castiel believe him? Castiel narrowed his eyes at him but then his shoulders drooped in defeat. 

“Dean wants nothing to do with me now.” Gabriel did not think that was true at all. He thought Dean was scared. 

“You should have told him a long time ago.” Castiel bristled. Gabriel had put a compulsion on him, used his stronger grace to force Castiel to tell Dean the truth about how he felt. It had been awkward, difficult, and traumatizing for the angel and his hunter. Gabriel hadn’t realized why Castiel hadn’t told him-- he hadn’t realized where Dean’s head was at with all of that. He knew now he had made a mistake. He needed to stop acting on instinct. He needed to fucking heal.

“You should have let us know you were alive a long time ago.” Gabriel flinched. 

“I would have if I could have.” Well, that was enough talking. “Go see Dean. He’s with Sam now.” Gabriel stretched his wings again, heading back to the bunker in hopes Castiel was doing the same.

The days passed. Gabriel felt restless, but not in a manner that made him want to leave. He felt restless around Sam. Perhaps it was the claim or the night they had spent curled around each other just in order to get through, but Gabriel had made up his mind that he wanted more of that. He just didn’t know how to get it or how to find out if Sam felt the same way.

“Hey, Gabe.” This time Sam sought him out, Gabriel’s grace fluttering at the nickname. He didn’t understand how he had come to care for the human in so little time. What were months when he was millennia old archangel? He tilted his head back to look up at the human, silent response and attention. He hadn’t talked since his conversation with Castiel. He was punishing himself. Things were strained between Castiel and Dean, tense. Dean wouldn’t stay in the same room as the angel so the angel stayed away. Dean was grumpy without his angel. Gabriel hoped the hunter figured out why real soon so they could go back to the idyllic peacefulness that came when it was him and Sam. “I never got a chance to thank you for that night a couple weeks back.” Gabriel shrugged. It was nothing. “No, really, Gabe. It meant a lot. You help a lot.” Sam looked small. “I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time and it would have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been there to take care of me. You watched over me so I wouldn’t be alone, but you also didn’t touch me because you knew I couldn’t handle it right then. Thanks.” Gabriel gave him a small smile, something growing inside of him when Sam smiled back at him. Sam was so bright.

Gabriel stood up and walked over to the human. Gently taking Sam’s face in his two hands, he guided Sam’s head down to his and gave him a brief kiss. Sam didn’t seem to realize Gabriel’s hands were shaking when he abruptly pulled back, making a face that Gabriel didn’t know how to process. “Gabriel.” Sam’s voice was oddly stern. “I can’t.”


	5. a spark

Gabriel had tried, okay? He had tried. His heart was racing as he clenched his fists and his eyes shut, sitting on the edge of his bed. He couldn’t stop remembering, he wanted to stop remembering what had just happened. He had misread the signs; he had FUCKED UP! Gabriel opened his fists, clawing down his face, not caring that he drew blood. 

“Gabriel, we need to talk-- Shit, Gabe--” Normally the nickname would have made Gabriel smile, but his stomach flopped violently. He needed to get out of there. He stood up abruptly, flinging out his arms. He didn’t expect Sam to grab him, to go with him when he flew hundreds of miles away, trying to get away from Sam.

“Let me go!” He screamed, hoping to surprise Sam into obeying. He knew what a bulldog Sam could be when he got his teeth into something. Gabriel just wanted to be left alone to lick his wounds. He wanted more with Sam. Sam couldn’t-- didn’t seem to feel the same way. And it hurt, it hurt more than anything Asmodeus had done. It hurt to the point Gabriel didn’t want to feel anything anymore. He had thought he was past feeling anything…

“No, Gabriel!” Sam held his arm tight, not too tightly, but just the right amount of pressure that Gabriel knew he wasn’t letting go. “I’m not letting you run off before we talk about this!”

“You made yourself pretty clear back at the bunker.” Gabriel grumbled, trying to pull free one last time. To his surprise, Sam let him go and he stumbled back into the wall. He had snapped back to one of his last hiding places. He looked around in surprise-- he had gone here on default. He had starting running again, a waste of grace, just like Asmodeus had said.

“You didn’t let me finish.” Sam said in a calmer tone as he saw Gabriel visibly start to calm down. The archangel shot him a baleful look, trying to look uninterested, but Sam saw the spark of want, the spark of hope. Gabriel had been so damn shy yet hopeful when he had kissed Sam-- had it only been twenty minutes ago? Sam hadn’t known how to respond. He had panicked, flashbacking to a much more violent kiss on a much more volatile plane of reality. Sam had flashbacked to hell and accidentally sent Gabriel back there as well. “I flashbacked, okay?!” Sam felt his soul rub raw at his admittance. “The nightmares have gotten better since the night you took out Asmodeus, but being with someone…”

“Male?” Gabriel guessed at Sam’s reticence to finish his sentence. “I can change my vessel, Sam.” He raised his fingers to snap up a blonde instead of his usual self.

“No!” Sam’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. “No, don’t. Then it wouldn’t be you, you. I know this you. I’m used to this you.” Gabriel scoffed low and Sam’s voice changed as if he was pleading with Gabriel. “I like this you.” He admitted softly. Gabriel’s eyes widened as he studied Sam carefully for any sign of a lie or a trick. Sam was telling the truth. He started forward, wanting to kiss Sam again, but he stopped himself. He had already tried that. If Sam wanted him, ugh, his heart hurt with hope and trying to not hope. Gabriel was still so weary, still so easily turned aside from foolish things like belonging and love. 

Sam tracked his movement and moved forward, stepping into Gabriel’s space. “You can stop me at any time.”

“I would do that anyway.” Gabriel made a face even though his eyes were brighter now as Sam took another step forward. Geez, Gabriel was nervous and excited as Sam finally lowered himself down to average people height and their lips could finally meet, like actually meet with meaning, not the scared peck Gabriel had given him earlier. “Mmph.” Gabriel groaned into Sam’s mouth with satisfaction, wrapping his arms around Sam’s strong neck. Sam got the hint and lifted Gabriel up, letting the archangel wrap his legs around Sam’s waist as well. Gabriel had been so opposed to touch for so long, but Sam had seen his moments when he just wanted to be held. This was such a moment, except Gabriel didn’t want to be just held. He wanted to be consumed. Sam wanted to be consumed in return.

“I shouldn’t be doing this.” Sam broke off the kiss, panting for breath.

“Yes, you should.” Gabriel didn‘t need to breathe, but he did need the fire that was licking through him with every kiss, every touch. He bent down to nip along Sam’s collarbone, sucking a claim into the skin that peeked out from under his shirt. “Clothes off.” Gabriel whined as his mouth moved up from Sam’s collarbone to one side of his neck.

“This is the most, ah,” Sam moaned appreciatively as Gabriel nursed a sensitive spot with his lips. God knew what else this archangel knew how to do. Archangel, fuck, that was the problem right there. This was an archangel that could destroy him in an instant. “The most you’ve talked in weeks.”

Gabriel straightened up to look Sam in the eyes.

“Mine.” He shivered as he said the word. Sam’s soul was so damn bright-- Gabriel knew they were on the same page, even if Sam hadn’t realized it yet.

“What?” Sam’s eyes widened. 

“You’re mine.” Gabriel bent back down to kiss Sam deeply. He realized now that might not have been the most comforting words to say to the skittish human who was kissing him back. Gabriel could tell the wheels in Sam’s head were turning, mulling over what Gabriel had just declared. Sam was Gabriel’s. Even if Sam cast him aside and they never saw each other again-- a bond had been formed, even if it hadn’t been fully established. There was only a single thread of grace binding them together. However, if they were both willing and said those binding words, this would be a much stronger and much more permanent thing. With all these claiming Gabriel had been doing, he had also equally been giving himself away. As much as Sam could be his, Gabriel could be Sam’s.

Any other archangel and Sam would have run away or put up a fight, but this was Gabriel. If he was totally being honest, he had always had a soft spot for Gabriel, even after everything. It didn’t explain the way they currently were, Sam pinning Gabriel up against the wall, exchanging heated kisses. Sam didn’t want to explain it. He just wanted to be lost in the moment. 

Gabriel’s eyes were shut as he lost himself to the sensations and the knowledge that it was with Sam. He needed this. He didn’t have words for how badly he needed this. They had always gravitated towards each other, even at the end, when Gabriel had sacrificed himself to save the Winchesters and Kali. Now there was nothing between them, not even clothes, as Sam laid Gabriel down on the bed, covering him as so no chill could trouble him. Gabriel bit and clawed, kissed and fucked as much as Sam did, making sure to give back as good as it was given. When morning came, they were both sleeping, both naked, both wrapped up so that it was impossible where one ended and the other began.

They might not have been the ones to break the other, but they were the ones who would help make them whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying a little.
> 
> this chapter was actually started before "a mistake" was. I wasn't planning on ending in this chapter, but after it was written, it was a natural ending.
> 
> That being said- I am open to continuing the series, just at a later point. Let me know what you think of this chapter, this fic, and what you might like to see in the future.
> 
> I have some ideas already but I love talking with you all and hearing what you think. Thank you so much for the support and love. This has been a different kind of fic for me to write, especially the tone-- and it's something I would like to continue. thank you all again! mwah


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